5 Best Jokes

#1. An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

#2. A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar

But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink.

Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The place goes dead still.

Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know.

“Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde.

“So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”

“Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”

#3. An Irishman walks into a bar amd orders three pints of Guiness

He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty.

He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.

The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that.

"Oh it's for my brother's. We live all over the world and don't get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week."

"That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well.

This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars.

Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing.

The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints.

Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking."

#4. An English Man, An Irish Man and a Scotchman are caught by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will all be skinned alive and turned into canoes and all. Of their insides eaten however, they have one last request before this happens.

The English man says "For my last request I want to have a cigar" the cannibals provide him with this and as soon as its finished they skin him alive and turn him into a canoe.

The Scotchman asks "For my last request I would like a bottle of scotch" again once the scotch is all gone, alas he is turned into a canoe also...

It's the Irish man's turn at this point. He looks na t the cannibals and makes his request. "I would like a fork" the cannibals look at him in amazement, such a simple request they thought. They supply him with the fork and he looks at them with a smirk on his face..

He then begins to stab himself repeatedly all over with the fork whilst shouting out "YOU ARE NOT TURNING ME INTO A CANOE"

#5. Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other. Maple "it's a son of a birch" Pine "it's a son of a beech" "Son of a birch" "Son of a beech" After arguing back and forth for a while they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it is. They called Mr. Woodpecker over and they asked him "Mr. Woodpecker, can you please tell us whether or not this new sapling is a son of a birch or son of a beech" Mr. Woodpecker hopped over to the little sapling, peck peck peck and then pause for a long while, getting impatient the maple said "well which is it?" Mr. Woodpecker look up to the maple and said "Well, it isn't a son of a birch or son of a beech. But I will say that's the finest piece of ash I've ever laid my pecker into."